Random Jokes - Warped and Crude Please

[Metalanimal]

I picked this tart up and said "right back to your place for a shag?"

She said "I cant I'm on my period but you can come back for a drink"

I said "what do you think I am a f**king vampire"

[Derry-Yid]

I was sitting on the train this morning opposite a really sexy Thai bird.
 
 I thought to myself, "Please don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection."
 
 But she did.




I have blue eyes. I got them from my father.
 My mother has black eyes. She also got them from my father.









 
 

[bigv]

my girlfriend has this weird fetish where she likes to dress up as herself and pretend to be a total c*nt to me all day.

[Metalanimal]

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing as you have told the bitch twice already!

[OL'BOLTY]

Man says to his wife "Get ready you me & the dog are going fishing"

Wife says " I dont want to go"

Man gives her 3 choices Fishing, Blowjob or take it up the arse.  Wife picks blowjob.  After sucking for a while she says "your cock tastes like s**t"

Man says " I know the dog didnt want to go fishing either"

That's a cracker...

[Metalanimal]

My son got thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a blow job.

I said "thats now 3 schools that this has happened in this year, you have to stop doing this or they will ban you from teaching altogether!" 

[bigv]

Whats red and creeps up women's legs..........
































a homesick abortion

[OL'BOLTY]

You sick bastard...