Little Tommy Jokes

[Metalanimal]

Little Tommy got kicked out of class today....

The teacher asked him "if you had £20 and you paid £5.00 to Claire, £5.00 to Gemma and £5.00 to Sarah what would you have?

"3 blow jobs and enough change for a kebab" was the wrong answer.

[Metalanimal]

Little Tommy sitting on a park bench eating a big bag of sweets, a woman walks up and says "thats a very big bag of sweets for a little boy to eat it could make you very ill"

Tommy replies "well my Grandad lived till he was 92"

The womans says "really and did he eat lots of big bags of sweets?"

Little Tommy replies "no, he just knew how to mind his own f**king business"

[Metalanimal]

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath.

He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy? '

A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.

Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy? '

Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering.

Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.' What do you mean you found my sponge? "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'

[Metalanimal]

One day, little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (Thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this."

Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a £50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, 3rd door on the right" comes the reply as the £50 vanishes.

Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another £50 appears. "Ahh, last door on the left..." he is told.

Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (with frog) when she calls him back.

"I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?"

"Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the babysitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later on, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!"

[Metalanimal]

Little Tommy was sitting in class and the teacher told the class that they were going to do a thinking activity.

"I'm going to reach into this bag and describe an object to you and then you let me know what you think it is. Okay class, here we go."

She reaches into the bag and says, "I am holding something that is round, hard, and red."

Sally raises her hand and says, "It's an apple."

"Very good," the teacher says. "I like the way you're thinking. Now I am holding something round, hard, and yellow."

Georgie raises his hand and says, "It's a lemon."

"Very good," the teacher says. " I like the way you're thinking."

At this point Tommy jumps up and yells, "Okay teacher. I have my hand in my pocket and I'm holding something round, hard, and with a head on it!"

"You're disgusting!" the teacher says. "Go to the office!"

Whereupon Tommy pulls out a quarter and says, "You're wrong, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[RiffHard]

You dirty geezers... 

[RiffHard]

All right, it is not a little Tommy joke but here it goes...

 The Pianist

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town. 'Where's the pissing, motherf**king manager, you co cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could You please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, 'Are you the chicken-f**king manager of this bastard place?'

'Yes sir, I am,' replies the manager, 'but I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant'.
'f**k off' replies the bloke 'and where's the f**king piano?'
'Pardon?' says the manager.

'f**king deaf as well, are we? You snivelling little piece of s**t, show me your wan king piano.'

'Ah,' replies the manager, 'you've come about the pianist job' and shows the bloke to the piano. 'Can you play any blues?'
'Of course I f**king can,' and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky-tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.
'That's superb. What's it called?'
'I tried to shag yer missus on the sofa but the springs kept hurting my d**k,' replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz.
The bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
'Magnificent,' cries the manager. 'What's it called?'
'I wanted a wank over the washing machine but I got my balls caught in the soap drawer'.

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads.
The bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody the manager Has ever heard, 'And what's this called?' asks the manager.
'As I fu ck you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,' replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk To any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid his eyes on.
She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is doing very little to conceal her ample charms.

She's sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots as the butter is dripping down her chin.
The image is too much for the bloke and he scurries off to the Gents to furiously masturbate. He's tugging away furiously when he hears the
manager's voice.

‘Where's that bastard pianist?' He just has time to relieve himself, and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having not bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes.
The woman steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear, 'Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?'
The bloke replies 'Know it? I f**king wrote it.'
 

[aspursfan]

 

[Metalanimal]

One night Little Tommy was really scared sleeping by himself at camp, so he sprints out of his tent and runs to his teachers tent and asks "Miss can I please sleep with you tonight ?".

His teacher replies "NO"

Tommy moans and says "But my mummy lets me".

"OK then, just for tonight" the teacher replies.

Tommy jumps into bed with her and asks "Miss can I please play with your belly button with my finger".

She again says "NO".

"But my mummy lets me" says Tommy again.

"Well I suppose it's OK" replies the teacher.

Things are silent for a few minutes until the teacher leaps up screaming "THAT'S NOT MY BELLY BUTTON"

Little Tommy replies "It aint my finger either".