Random Jokes - Warped and Crude Please

[Metalanimal]

As I am a bit of a sick puppy here are a few to get the thread started:  Remember warped and crude = AWESOME  I'll probably get in trouble with the internet or PC police at some point oh well 

My mates is shagging twins who both like it up the arse.
I asked "how do you tell them apart?"

He said "oh thats easy"
"Sallys got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny and Dereks got a Moustache and big bollacks  "

[Metalanimal]

Man says to his wife "Get ready you me & the dog are going fishing"

Wife says " I dont want to go"

Man gives her 3 choices Fishing, Blowjob or take it up the arse.  Wife picks blowjob.  After sucking for a while she says "your cock tastes like s**t"

Man says " I know the dog didnt want to go fishing either"

[Metalanimal]

Ugly man walks into a bar with a huge smug smile on his face.

Barman asks "what are you so happy about?"

Many says "on my way home I found a woman tied to the railway track, so I untied her and we went back to mine and I shagged her all night, I shagged her tits, her arse and her fanny in every possible position, it was the best night ever"

Barman asks "did you get a blowjob too?"

Man replies in a very dissapointed tone "No....... I couldnt find her head"

[millers-tach]

Ugly man walks into a bar with a huge smug smile on his face.

Barman asks "what are you so happy about?"

Many says "on my way home I found a woman tied to the railway track, so I untied her and we went back to mine and I shagged her all night, I shagged her tits, her arse and her fanny in every possible position, it was the best night ever"

Barman asks "did you get a blowjob too?"

Man replies in a very dissapointed tone "No....... I couldnt find her head"

My (pissed) mate told this one at a wedding reception to a table of mates and girlfriends and a couple we didnt even know. Ouch.
 
Mike if you are reading this 'know your audience' 

[millers-tach]

Whats the difference between Marmalade and Jam?
 
 
 
 
 
 
You dont try and 'marmalade' your cock into your wifes ass.

[Metalanimal]

Pissed the wife off again last night!

When she was asleep I swapped her tampax for a party popper...... she has no sense of humour 

[ugs]

How do you make your girlfriend scream twice ?
 
f**k her up the arse then wipe your cock on the curtains !!!!!
 
 

[Metalanimal]

Boy lost his job at the chip shop.

His dad goes to find out why. 

Owner says "I found him with the potatoe peeler up his arse"

His dad says "may I see the potatoe peeler please?............."

The owner replied "No I sacked him as well.....!"

[Metalanimal]

I shagged a girl with OCD last nite and she told me she was obsessed with doing everything alphabetically.......

So first we did Anal........ then she gave me a Blowjob........ then I played with her Clit...... then I took her Deep...........then I got up and she shouted "Oi what about E?"

I said "I've Ejaculated and now i'm f**king Going Home"

[RiffHard]

Why did a condom fly accross the room?


He was pissed off.

[Metalanimal]

I hear the female referee caught up in the sky sports saga says she wasnt offended by the sexist remarks made by Andy Gray and Richard Keys.

However she has stated that she was most upset that the other 3 refs turned up to the match wearing the same outfit as her!

[Metalanimal]

Man sits next to a guy on a plane with a dog and asks "is he a guide dog?"

"No I am a drugs officer and he is a sniffer dog, watch this"  then the guy says to the dog "Go search"

The dogs goes off, comes back and puts 1 paw on his lap, "Heroin" the guy says and makes a note of the passenger.

The dog comes back again and puts 2 paws on his lap, "Coke" the guy says.

The dog comes back again and s**ts all over the seat.

"what the f**k is that all about?" the man asks.

The guy replies "he's found a f**king bomb"

[dublinboy99]

In the showers for the first time at Stamford Bridge, Torres see's John Terry's cock.   "Fooooking ell John de sizze of that, no wonder Bridge's wife, she likes you yes but how do you get it so biiiig?"  Terry says "ah its an old trick mate, when I'm going up the old apple and pears for a bit of hows your father I whack it against the bannister all the way up". Torres goes home that night and starts whacking his d**k on the bannister on the way to bed when his missus shouts "John, is that you?"

[dublinboy99]

Ars*nal have set up a helpline for all their fans after their 4-4 on Saturday.  Fans should ring 4041424344 !!!

[Metalanimal]

Ars*nal have set up a helpline for all their fans after their 4-4 on Saturday.  Fans should ring 4041424344 !!!